Parlez vous Francais, horribles Australienne?

SHE was about as stereotypically French as you could get.

Not in looks. Short, slim and blonde, she looked more German or Scandinavian upon walking into the reception. At the time I was trying to guide two English girls to their campervan depot so they could ride off into the sunset, but apparently the jokes while doing so were a little too much for her.

"What time is it? I want to know because I am waiting."

"I see this, but I still need to finish serving these ladies before I can check you in. I'll be with you in a moment."

I checked her in, thankful the unnecessarily long shift was nearly over. With a bit of luck she'd be out of town before I opened reception at 7am the next morning.

No such luck.

Around 7.30 she came down to reception, laden down by the five or so bags that must have contained all her travelling essentials - and then some. After checking her out and refunding her key deposit, I decided to try strike up a conversation as she got her bags in order.

Turned out mon petit ami was off to Hong Kong before heading pretty much anywhere other than Australia. The people were horrible: it seems no one would offer to help this crazy little French woman as she struggled down the street with her many, many bags. Australia was a rich country, but the unlike the people in South America, New Zealand, Europe - pretty much everywhere else in the world - people here would just ignore her.
Funny that, because my experience in Europe was that the only help you'd get was from Old Mate relieving you of your valuables.
We are a young country as well, only 200 years old. Ah, I said, but out Indigenous culture was the oldest in the world. Beats everyone else by a good 20,000 years or so (give or take).
Nope, she was only interested in the European history of Australia. Rightio then.

Then it got onto languages. She brought it up, not me: by this point I was being lectured rather than participating in a proper cross-cultural conversation. Amongst our many faults as people was that Australians are too lazy to learn other languages. In this at least we were (begrudgingly) lumped in with other English speaking countries.

Now on this I reckon I had her. My theory is that it's a lot easier to learn other languages somewhere like Europe. Travelling by road from Paris, you're only 450km from London, just under 600km to the major German city of Frankfurt, 900km to the Italian city of Milan, and just over 1000km to the Spanish city of Barcelona. Not to mention the proximity of the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium or even the Principality of Luxembourg.
Travel 450km north from Brisbane and you'll end up just north of Bundaberg, where the only time they speak foreign languages is when they're on the local rum. Head 900km east of Adelaide and you'll finish in Wagga Wagga, where the only thing that may seem foreign are some of the footy fields. Go 1000km in any direction from Perth and you'll be smack bang in the middle of nowhere!

The point I make of all this is that if you're learning a foreign language in Europe, you don't have all that far to go to practice. Hell, if you're an European Union citizen you can even go live there for as long as you want. Here in Australia at least, the nearest French-speaking part of the world is New Caledonia, and last I checked you had to jump through some pretty major hoops to live and work there. Instead of spending a couple of hundred Euros to pop across The Channel, we have to spend a good couple of thousand dollars and spend at least 24 hours on a plane just to reach any European city.

Or how about this. Just say Hypothetical Stuart (HS) studied French throughout high school - that is ages 12-17. HS was very diligent in his studies, routinely in the top three in his class and showing an aptitude for la belle langue.
Then HS goes to uni. He's studying all kinds of things and generally being a very busy young lad, before heading off to a country town to work in the local newspaper. At no point does he have the chance to put into practice any of his high school French, which means that when he finally arrives in l'hexagone, he only remembers a few words and is forced to repeat the phrase parlez-vous Francais a hell of a lot.

Finally, to drive my point home further, I would like to point out that in Canada parents can put their children through French-speaking schools. I have a friend from the prairies of Alberta that is fluent in French - not just because she learnt it in school, but because she had the chance to use it all the time. Not only that, but within their own country they can visit and/or live in the very French part of Canada otherwise known as the province of Quebec.

Not that this would have made any kind of impression on this woman. I started to talk, but was cut off by her superior knowledge of four or five different languages. After finally getting her bags together she asked if I could hold open the door while she waddled through. As she walked past I wished her au revoir et bon voyage, before walking back inside and muttering under my breath "and don't come back, you fucking self-important piece of shit".

Well, we are horrible people remember? Wouldn't want to let her down or anything.