The joys of summer

IT’S summer again, and a young man’s thoughts turn to flights of fancy - anything fancy will do actually.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s the time of year when the tv and radio are taken over by "more bloody cricket", people try to make themselves go brown and men enjoy the freedom of movement enjoyed by women in their summer clothes.
Ah, women. For every joke they have about us being ignorant, dumb bastards, we’ve got ones back - although we dare not repeat them in polite company. Some call this cowardice, I call it life-preservation.
How different are the sexes? Are all males just compulsive oglers, only thinking with their stomachs and what hangs off it, proof the evolution can go backwards? Are those of us blessed with the Y chromosome only blessed with an ability to reverse-park and drink excessive amounts of alcohol? And what about those bloody women?
So strap in gentlemen, as we go through the type of women you’re likely to come across (in Australia at least).

The ANTI-SOCIAL woman
Actually, she’s not all that anti-social - she loves going out for a few with her friends and enjoying what life throws at her. This is wonderful, as it gives a couple time apart - but woe betide the poor fool who tries to do the same.
Any gentleman shacked up with one of these women and comes home smelling of beer or ciggies will cop it from both barrels (sometimes literally rather than metaphorically).
The only way to have a relatively peaceful night out is to fill out Form 1080A (Application for Night’s Leave). This may or may not be approved - but if you haven’t filled out one of these for a while, why not try for Form 1080B (Application for Time Away).
Please note this kind of woman will not, under any circumstances, approve Form 1046 (Application for a Gold Pass).

The GAMES woman
The only thing you’re guaranteed with this woman is that she’ll try to mess with your head.
The type of game she likes to play tends to vary a bit - from the always fun "On Again/Off Again" game, to the ever-popular "You Don’t Pay Me Enough Attention So I’m Going To Flirt With Every Male Here". This game is even more fun when she decides to flirt with your best mate. And the silly bugger flirts back.
There is good news though blokes - this kind of woman generally ends up with a bloke who does the same thing to her. Who said karma doesn’t apply?

The QUIET woman
These are the ones you have to watch out for. The quiet, peaceful soul by day could turn out to be Mr Hyde’s evil sister by night. Or not.
Quiet women are really hard to read, as they just keep it all inside, storing it up until it all comes out - just like a really bad volcano actually.
There would be more information about this kind of woman, but our spy is currently in hospital suffering third-degree burns to most of his body from molten hot lava. Experts say it’s the first injury of its kind seen in Australia.

The DRINKING woman
Hey, this is what we’re after! Isn’t it? A woman to come out and enjoy the wonders of alcohol with you?
Sadly, no. Just as men become more like women when they drink (talk excessively without making sense, argue over nothing, can’t drive), women become more like men when they drink. Think biffoes, brawls, and lots of scratching.
This woman is rather unlikely to take to kindly at you admiring another girl’s shirt (or what lies within), and definitely won’t be too keen on you actually talking to them.

The FUNNY woman
Is this the one we’re after? Again, it depends.
If she thinks Monty Python, Red Dwarf and/or various "boys" movies are funny then all the better.
If she thinks that the best kind of humour is the type that makes you look like an imbecile, then there are problems.
If you find yourself with one of these women, the best bet is to make jokes about Life, the Universe and Everything, rather than about specific people. That way you’re both laughing.

This is a far from definitive guide - there’s any number of sub-branches that are waiting to be discovered.
So why do we go for women? Well, they smell better, are generally more fun to touch, and don’t have that excess of hair that makes men so… whatever it is we are.
But gee they’re a strange bunch.