SAJ's Guide to the 2012 Queensland Election...

CAN you feel it?
The excitement?
Can you control yourself?
CAN YOU CONTROL YOURSELF?!?!?

Course you can. It's only the Queensland state election, where voters like you and me get to choose between a woman with an upside-down mouth; a short bald man; and the man in a hat. Or at least the sheep people following the man in the hat.
Given Australia's commitment to democracy through compulsory voting, all locals over the age of 18 have to vote in this election. Queensland voters have only changed ruling parties three times in the 31 years I've been alive, but are looking a very good chance to turf out the ruling Labor Party and replace them with the opposition LNP. That being the case, let's have a look at the main parties and their contenders for that most glamourous of world political appointments: Queensland Premier.


ANNA BLIGH, Australian Labor Party (ALP)
Anna Bligh became Queensland Premier in September 2007 after her grinning media tart predecessor Peter Beattie resigned to give his kids a break from seeing him on the tv all the time. Since becoming Premier Bligh's government has dealt with a number of crisis, including the Queensland Health payroll debacle where thousands of people were either unpaid, underpaid or overpaid when they migrated to a new IT system.
This resulted in Blight having a very low approval rating until the Queensland floods, when her "We Are Queenslanders" speech helped stamp her as a true leader, in the process sending her approval ratings back into positive territory for the first time in centuries. Unfortunately for the ALP this warm glow soon faded when the government went back to screwing things up, Bligh distinguishing herself with a vicious attack on LNP leader Campbell Newman for his family's business interests on the last parliamentary sitting day.
Is quite short but not an issue as she is female.

CAMPBELL NEWMAN, Liberal-National Part (LNP)
Campbell Newman is an ex-army officer who left his job running the Brisbane City Council to try and run for Premier - a bold strategy when you don't even have a seat in Parliament yet (apparently all the other kids kept saying "seat's taken" when he tried to sit down). Like a diver attempting a triple-somersault-half-pike-double-twist-turn-around-once-and-do-the-eagle-rock to win the Olympics, Newman's decided to do things the hard way by running for the seat of Ashgrove, where by all accounts local member Kate Jones does actually know how to tie up her own shoelaces. Was only picked because no-one knew anything about any of the sitting LNP members.
While Brisbane mayor Newman distinguished himself by building lots of tolled tunnels and bridges, a rude shock to locals who would rather not pay to drive thank-you-very-much. No word on tunnels to Fraser Island or the long-awaited Toowoomba Metro System, although he has strangely come out and said no to the Cross-River Rail project, preferring instead that all trains over the Brisbane River follow each other in a giant conga line during peak hours.
Is quite short, which is apparently an issue as a male.

AIDON MCLINDON Katter's Australia Party
Close election expected, new right-wing party named after a maverick national politician starts getting media time... shit, are we really doing this again? For Pauline Hanson's One Nation in 1998, read Bob Katter's Australia Party in 2012. The Man In The Hat has been busy, driving old London double-deckers around and dancing with "flash mobs" to take his words to the streets. Expected to win at least a few seats, although matching One Nation's 11 in 1998 will take some doing.
Oh, who's Aidon McLindon? Apparently the state leader. Wears glasses I think. Not sure how tall he is though.

EXPECTED OUTCOME
Just about everyone outside (and quite a few inside) the ALP have their money on the LNP. Bookies, professional punters, hairdressers, that bloke that always wants to talk when you're standing at the urinal: they're all going with the little fella. Bligh isn't being helped by the national ALP leadership schemozzle either, with local lad Kevin Rudd saying he didn't get a fair go last time and that he wants to play at being Prime Minister again. For the LNP, no-one's saying who would be Premier if the party wins a majority but Newman fails to land his 10m dive, very possibly on account of all possible candidates being a bigger buzz-kill than Buzz Killington.

SAJ'S VERDICT?
LNP by about 5 seats, Newman to scrape through, majority of Queenslanders to go down the pub and celebrate the fact that we don't have to go to the polls again for a while.
What's that?
Council elections April 28?


Oh for f#$%'s sake...

Going down the road? That'll be a million thanks...

SO BRISBANE apparently now has the world's third most expensive public transport. We're only behind London and Oslo and with a further 15% hike planned for next year, it can't be long before we gain that particular crown.

The State Government is trying to tell us that this is all to help fund improvements in the system. And to be fair, infrastructure such as the network of busways around Brisbane doesn't come cheap. The section of the Northern Busway from Roma Street to Herston cost $135 million back in 2004; the tunnel linking Windsor to Kedron pocket change for an Arab oil sheik and not many others.

But here's the thing though. Having travelled the world I've ended up on a fair amount of public transport. In London for example, a trip around Zone 1 on the Underground will set you back £4.30 - around A$6.50. Pricey, yes; but for that you get an extensive network where trains run so frequently that there's not a timetable to be found. Instead you just look at the display on the platform to see when your next train arrives. Not bad when you consider that back in 2007 that same ticket cost you £4.00.

Here in Brisbane a trip around Zone 1 will set you back $4.50. Cheaper, but the devil is in the detail. Grab an Oyster Card in London and that same peak-hour trip will only set you back £2.00 (about A$3), where here in Brisbane your Go Card costs $3.05. Keep travelling all day with an Oyster Card in London's Zone 1 and the most you'll pay is £8.40; keep travelling Brisbane's Zone 1 on your Go Card and you could well find yourself $24.40 under by the time the free travel kicks in after 10 trips in one week.

But surely unlimited free trips after 10 is a pretty sweet deal right? Yep - if you have the time to do what this guy did. The backpacker who bought that card can now travel from the Sunshine Coast to the Gold Coast, stopping at pretty much station along the way for a quick beer (although upon getting out at Dakabin they might be tempted just to get straight back on board). Expect many copycats in the coming weeks, but let's face it: who has the time to do these things? And more to the point, who wants to catch a train and bus down to Surfers Paradise when you can drive in half the time?

On the topic of backpackers, this system really is bad for them. Just say someone wants to catch the bus out to Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary before heading to Mount Coot-tha, coming back into the city then jumping on the CityCat for a quiet cruise before the sun goes down. Said punter asks if they can buy a day pass, only for the receptionist to burst out laughing, holding his hides as the spasms take hold. Eventually he recovers enough to explain that there are no day passes in Brisbane, leading both to question why and mutter dark things under their breaths about the Queensland Government.

Not that the current Opposition's much better. LNP leader Campbell Newman thinks that the Cross-River Rail project - which would double the number of inner-city rail river crossings to 2 - is "an $8 billion unfunded fantasy".

Sigh.

In a time where global warming is something we're trying to avoid, surely a responsible government's best bet is to try help get people out of their cars and onto public transport.

Last I checked, continually raising the prices isn't really going to do that.