Imagine There's No Bullsh!t...

THERE was a short while after I came back from overseas that I had to look in the jobs section of the local rags.
This always frightens me. Really frightens me. This is largely because employers will either ask for super-experienced workers for an apprentice position, or the ones that do look like they could use my work abilities are the ones that look like they could go under any day now.
To make life really interesting, go too far in some newspapers and you end up looking up the personals section.
This section doesn't so much scare me as make me laugh. All these people write in saying how beautiful and wonderful they are, tempting you like a doughnut does to Homer Simpson. (Mmmmmm... doughnut....)
Yet you always get the feeling that answering these is only going to leave you disappointed. Sure, you might find the six-foot stunner is in fact six feet, but that's more likely to be six feet wide rather than six feet tall.
Likewise the girl who replies to the man who owns his own business and house could be a shade unhappy when it turns out the business is a dodgy fish and chip shop and the house is an illegally parked caravan.
But what if employment and personal ads were combined?
Imagine the ads then. You'd be able to tell the difference between male and female advertisers, simply because female advertisers would ask for "lots of experience necessary", while male advertisers would have "less experience the better. In fact, those with no experience will have the inside running."
Of course you would need more truth in advertising. Those "kilo-rich" people would need to make sure potential partners had all the right licenses (heavy vehicle, forkift etc), while those of us with large families will need someone with experience in catering for hundreds and thousands.
For the record, here's my ad to kick these new, "combined" ads off:

Girlfriend wanted

Do you like Pina Coladas? Or getting caught in the rain?

Are you not into health foods? But rather champagne?

If so then SAJ INC has the position for you.

We are currently looking for the right girl to fit a new role

in our ever-expanding business.

Applicants will need good catering skills,

a sense of humour, and the ability to watch cricket all summer

(or at least keep quiet while it's on).

Applicants should be between 18 and 27 years old,

be under 5 feet 10 inches tall,

and not spend all their money every time there's a sale on.

The successful applicant will be placed on probation for three months,

during which they may be released at any time.

There will be plenty of opportunities to travel,

So don't delay in getting your application off today!

(Applications must include photos)

To apply, simply e-mail sajjittarius@yahoo.com.au

or click on one of the icons below.

SAJ INC is not an equal opportunity employer.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

AUSTRALIA is a large country.
It's the sixth-largest country in the world and the only country that's both a country and a continent: yet it's also one of the least-densely populated places going around, with just 20,090,437 people spread across 7,617,930 sq km of land (both figures from http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/as.html). That's just under 3 people per square kilometre.
This is slightly misleading though. People in Australia mostly live in the various capitals around the place.
The character of these capitals varies from place to place. As expected, sub-tropical Brisbane is a trifle more laid-back than the southern capitals, while Perth's isolation means very few from the east coast (which is pretty much everyone) know anything about it other than Alan Bond.
But for those who aren't from Australia or don't do much in the way of travelling, here's some details of six of Australia's eight state and territory capitals. I haven't included Hobart (Tasmania) and Darwin (Northern Territory) for the very good reason that I've never been there.

Canberra (Australian Capital Territory)
Ask 99 per cent of those unlucky enough not to come from Australia what our capital is and 99 per cent of them will get it wrong. That's ok though: Canberra's a hole.
Oh, I suppose there are various things about it that are worthwhile. Floriade, held during spring, is a rather spectacular time to pay a visit, while it still astounds many as to how a whole city of around 350,000 people can be so well hidden (yet so full of bloody roundabouts and traffic lights that don't let you through more than one at a time).
Frankly though, Canberra's big problem is that it's full of public servants. Sure, like any stereotype there are exceptions to that rule (those who receive my e-mails for one), but I'm sure even they would admit that their city is full of boring bastards whose idea of a good time is to buy a new sweater.
It's cold, the city doesn't really support its local sporting teams, and it sometimes can seem empty. A few pubs within walking distance of houses wouldn't go astray either.

Sydney (New South Wales)
Welcome to Sydney dahling *air-kiss, air-kiss* (can't believe what that bitch is wearing), no, Mike and I split up, it wasn't working out (bastard didn't earn enough), no I haven't met your partner, pleasure to meet you (how'd she get him? Wonder how serious it is), this old thing? Found it sitting in the back of the wardrobe (cost a fucking fortune at Gucci's) etc etc.
Sydney is the largest city in Australia, the host city for the "Best Olympics Ever" (by Juan Antonio Samaranch and the Fat Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons), and to be perfectly honest, a bit of a showpony really.
It's the place to be if you're an aspiring actor, musician or drug abuser (or all three). Everybody's who's anybody lives there, although you'll generally only see the nobodies rather than the anybodies at any particular function or red carpet special.
Mind you, it does have a lot to be proud of: the Sydney Opera House would make a great addition to any self-respecting city, while the harbour view when you're coming by plane is superb. Just a pity the place is full of Sydneysiders.

Melbourne (Victoria)
Where Sydney likes to think it's the fashion capital of Australia, Melbourne just is. In fact, it's probably fair to say that to thrive in Melbourne you really only need two things: an ability to dress well, and an unabiding love for Australian rules football. You can theoretically thrive with a love of cricket, but you really do need to follow a footy team in Melbourne to be socially acceptable.
Melbourne weather is a bit strange though. I'm not sure if it's true, but there have been plenty of people that say Crowded House's classic Four Seasons In One Day was based on a day in Melbourne. It's true: any trip down south should contain clothes to cover all eventualities.
Melbourne is also the only city in the country that still has a substantial tram system. This brings its own problem though, not least trying to turn right at some city intersections (you get to wait on the far left because the trams take the far right), while it's generally not a good idea to hoon down the left-hand side of a tram since people tend to get out that side.

Adelaide (South Australia)
There are some that feel John Saffron was a little bit harsh, when in his Not The Sunscreen Song, he wrote "never live in Adelaide. It's a hole." Those people are generally people that live in Adelaide.
It's hard to say much about Adelaide, simply because it doesn't really come up all that often. Sure, they have a couple of handy AFL (Australian Football League) teams, and a nice beach or three, but what else really happens there?
Adelaide's status as a fairly uninteresting place can be summed up by the fact that Sir Donald Bradman chose to spend most of his adult life there. Despite the fact he's the greatest batsman ever (by a long way too), he really could be a bit of a boring bastard, and Adelaide suited him fine.
Sounds like Party Central eh?

Perth (Western Australia)
Perth suffers because it's a long way from anything. It's the most isolated big city (1 million-plus people) in the world, and is actually closer to the Indonesian capital Jarkata than it is to Canberra.
Theoretically Perth (and Western Australia) is part of Australia: practically it's not. The people of Western Australia actually voted to secede from Australia in 1933 (66 per cent in favour), although that was scuttled when the British Parliament said the Australia Parliament had to give it the ok. They didn't.
Perth has given the world some useful things: Dennis Lillee, INXS, Simon Black; but they also gave us Bondy, who ripped shitloads of people off. he did help us win the America's Cup in 1983 though.
I suppose Perth would be more interesting if it weren't so bloody far away.

Brisbane (Queensland)
Those from Brisbane claim it's one of the world's most livable cities: and they're right. They also claim it's the most livable city, and any fancy-dan survey that suggests otherwise just didn't look at its facts properly.
As mentioned, Brisbane is the capital of Queensland, the place in Australia where you can find youself a loopy in local, state and national governments. It's also unique among the big Australian cities: it holds less than half its state's population, although there's a fair few more that live in nearby.
Up until the 80's Brisbane was described as a "big country town", and there are many from Sydney or Melbourne that'll still agree with that. It's a fairly laid-back kind of place, with warm winters and stinking hot summers. This is why no one really gets dressed up that often: it's too bloody hot.
Brisbane now is like a teenager making the big decision: whether to stay child-like and keep that big country town feeling that attracts so many people, or whether to boldly leap forward into worldly sophistication and pretend it's one of the grown-ups now.
It's also where my family calls home, and I guess where I'll call home.
One day.