Won't You Take Me To | Funkytown?

I'VE recently decided to listen to every single track on my iPod.
Well, not every track: I've skipped some 12th Man stuff because that's better when you listen to the full thing, and in the interests of my sanity I've skipped any Britney Spears tracks that pop up.
It's a fairly long task, but then listening to and writing notes about 3394 different tracks generally is. There's a few that the Internet searching service got wrong, but other than that it's all pretty good. It'd be nice to get past songs that start with "b" (songs beginning with "al" to "an" took forever and a day).
But, I know what you're thinking. Why has he got Britney Spears on his iPod? Actually, if you think that's bad, I've also got John Denver's Annie's Song, a distinctly unmemorable track from manufactured (but very pretty) 90s band the Teen Queens (Be My Baby for those wanting to get a copy), and most heartbreakingly of all, Billy Ray Cyrus telling everyone about his Achy Breaky Heart.
Before you all excommunicate me, I would also like to present Men At Work's Down Under, a sampling of Coldplay, U2, Matchbox Twenty and Maroon 5, and any of the important stuff sung by one Jimmy Barnes.
So why keep so many songs? For one, I own a 40-gig iPod that isn't close to being full as yet, so any culling has been postponed for a while.
The second and most important reason is that I have a portable collection of songs that are very handy if someone wants to listen to a particular track. Generally these requests come form those saddled with two x chromosomes, although I have played requests from males. Why Jason Warren-Smith wanted to hear Peter Andre's Mysterious Girl will forever remain a mystery to me.
Again, I hear you ask, why do you have that on cd to start with? I buy a lot of compilation cd's, so there's generally a mix of classics and crapulence. Thus the same box set that gave me Jimmy Barnes and INXS telling everyone about the Good Times they are about to have also chucked in some horrendous 80s pop by Kids In The Kitchen. For every Sounds Of Then (I laugh and think that this is Australia), there's a Mysterious Girl.
Sometimes you come across gems though. At one stage I had the whole playlist on random, and came across the George Baker Selection's Little Green Bag, which will be familiar to those who've seen the Toyota ads here in Australia where a guy wearing a "Make My Dinner" t-shirt joins in a women's rights rally.
There could be more, but at any rate I reckon I've got most requests covered. Provided, of course, people would rather listen to the Traveling Wilbury's or the Cockroaches rather than Madonna or Bruce Springsteen. Or even Achy Breaky Heart. What were people thinking?!?

Imagine There's No Bullsh!t...

THERE was a short while after I came back from overseas that I had to look in the jobs section of the local rags.
This always frightens me. Really frightens me. This is largely because employers will either ask for super-experienced workers for an apprentice position, or the ones that do look like they could use my work abilities are the ones that look like they could go under any day now.
To make life really interesting, go too far in some newspapers and you end up looking up the personals section.
This section doesn't so much scare me as make me laugh. All these people write in saying how beautiful and wonderful they are, tempting you like a doughnut does to Homer Simpson. (Mmmmmm... doughnut....)
Yet you always get the feeling that answering these is only going to leave you disappointed. Sure, you might find the six-foot stunner is in fact six feet, but that's more likely to be six feet wide rather than six feet tall.
Likewise the girl who replies to the man who owns his own business and house could be a shade unhappy when it turns out the business is a dodgy fish and chip shop and the house is an illegally parked caravan.
But what if employment and personal ads were combined?
Imagine the ads then. You'd be able to tell the difference between male and female advertisers, simply because female advertisers would ask for "lots of experience necessary", while male advertisers would have "less experience the better. In fact, those with no experience will have the inside running."
Of course you would need more truth in advertising. Those "kilo-rich" people would need to make sure potential partners had all the right licenses (heavy vehicle, forkift etc), while those of us with large families will need someone with experience in catering for hundreds and thousands.
For the record, here's my ad to kick these new, "combined" ads off:

Girlfriend wanted

Do you like Pina Coladas? Or getting caught in the rain?

Are you not into health foods? But rather champagne?

If so then SAJ INC has the position for you.

We are currently looking for the right girl to fit a new role

in our ever-expanding business.

Applicants will need good catering skills,

a sense of humour, and the ability to watch cricket all summer

(or at least keep quiet while it's on).

Applicants should be between 18 and 27 years old,

be under 5 feet 10 inches tall,

and not spend all their money every time there's a sale on.

The successful applicant will be placed on probation for three months,

during which they may be released at any time.

There will be plenty of opportunities to travel,

So don't delay in getting your application off today!

(Applications must include photos)

To apply, simply e-mail sajjittarius@yahoo.com.au

or click on one of the icons below.

SAJ INC is not an equal opportunity employer.