Didja hear what happened to…

Yes folks, it’s nearly Christmas, with all the usual fun and festivities associated therein.
While some like to think of Christmas as a time of sharing and caring, it’s rather more like a time of loose lips and hot tips. As people enjoy some Christmas spirits (and anyone in Cooma would know I’ve enjoyed plenty of those so far this month), they’re also enjoying the spread of these nasty things called rumours and gossip.
These are rather unfortunately unavoidable. You can sit in your corner, say nothing, and still have some slack-jawed gossip make stuff up about you.
Indeed, one place I’ve worked at had the local gum-chewers working overtime before they’d even got a chance to figure out what my failings were.
It’s rather easy to start a rumour.
All you have to do is to make a comment about someone - framing it like a hypothetical or rhetorical question - to the right person. If you talk to the right person, they’ll take it as a statement of fact, spreading it like warm butter along the whole loaf of bread that is their community.
Among my personal favourites are that I’m gay (straight as a ruler), my parents are in some way related (only because at one stage they were married), and that I hated rugby league (please note any number of previous posts).
But they’re not too bad. If nothing else, you learn who your friends are - they tend to ask first, whereas others just like to snigger behind your back.
Actually, it’s the whole behind-the-back thing that really gives me the runs (not just in cricket either).
Granted, there are always going to be times where you need to blow off steam about someone to someone else. This can be rather beneficial, as person number 3 may be able to offer some kind of alternate insight into what’s bothering you.
But going around telling everyone that someone is incompetent/an arsehole/a right royal prick because of one thing or another - while still being "nice" to their face - is just plain wrong.
We’re all guilty of this - including myself on more than five occasions - but I still see no real reason for it.
In a business it can cut down morale quicker than timber workers in the Amazon, in a family it can break up a group of people you should really try to get along with anyway, and in a volunteer group it can really f^%k it right up for everybody and everything.
Anyways, that’s my rant for the time being. Here’s hoping you all have a safe and fun Christmas and New Year, without getting hit by a bus. That hurts apparently.

I was drunk, needed the money...

As promised earlier on in the piece, here are some more tips and tricks of the trade that I've picked up in my 20-odd years of existence. Enjoy.

Nice guys don't finish last.
They don't finish first either. Nope, nice guys will generally finish in the minor placings. This sounds all well and good, but ask Geelong Cats or North Sydney Bears fans what it's like to just miss out on the major prize...

Learn the words to some songs.
Every self-respecting Australian planning to travel should know the words to Khe Sanh, Down Under, and I Still Call Australia Home. This is not optional.
Optional songs you can learn include Working Class Man, (You Shook Me) All Night Long, Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again (or at least the chant) and Advance Australia Fair.
Note I haven't included Waltzing Matilda. You should know the words to this already. If you don't know the words to this, there are support groups available (I Don't Know The Words To Waltzing Matilda Anonymous (IDKTWTWMA) is a good start).

Reputations count.
To a point. In the Big Smoke, you can have any kind of a reputation, but can hide away in one of the many niches around the place until it's changed.
In country areas though, once you've got a reputation, you're stuck with it.
And remember, first impressions count - so if you've got a reputation as a bit of a Romeo or as the town bike - you're stuck with it for a very long period of time.
The only way to avoid this is to get the hell out of town, or maintain a quiet dignity. But they'll probably get you for that anyway.

I'm from Queensland.
But that doesn’t mean I support the Brisbane Broncos. In fact, I support pretty much every national sporting league team from Queensland - so long as they’re not the Broncos.
I don’t know why I dislike them so much - but gee it was good to see North Queensland beat them last year. Soooooooo gooooood...

This is all highly unoriginal, but a chap by the name of John Saffron beat us all to it when he wrote Not The Sunscreen Song.
But hey - who cares?