Please Let Me In Mr Hostel Man

With humblest apologies to Billy Joel...

WELL it's 1am on a Saturday

The regulars drunks shuffle in

There's an Irishman standing next to me

Smells like he's been hitting the gin

He says "mate can I get on the internet?

I'm going to go talk with mammy

Tell her I'm fine, drinking shitloads of wine

But in the morn I'll be feeling shabby"

La la la didi da da

Lala didi da da daaaaa

Please let me in Mr Hostel Man

Please let me in tonight

I need to go lay down for a little bit

Because I'm not really feeling alright

Now the girls at the bar, they are friends of mine

Still won't give me my drinks for free

But they're quick with a joke, and my bourbon and coke

And there's no place that they'd rather be

They say "man, that strange guy, I sure he's stalking me"

As the smile runs away from their face

"I think that I might call the bouncers across

So he can get out of this place"

La la la didi da da

Lala didi da da daaaaa

Now Paul is a local long-termer

Who's not really looking for a wife

And he's talking with Tony, who can be a phony

Next time in jail, it's probably for life

And there's guests shagging in the tv room

A drunk man gives the dog a bone

And it doesn't matter when I tell them to go

They're back at it when they're back alone

Please let us be Mr Hostel Man

Please let us be tonight

I haven't had sex in over six months

And now this is feeling alright

It's a rowdy old crowd on this Saturday

The bar manager gives me a smile

Coz this revelry pays for my salary

While they forget about life for a while

And the reception it sounds like a carnival

And all the guests, well they smell like a beer

And they come to the counter for support or they'll flounder

And say "Man, what are YOU doing here?"

La la la didi da da

Lala didi da da daaaaa

Please let me in Mr Hostel Man

Please let me in tonight

Me sweetheart's upstairs, how can you not care

I'm need to see that's she's feeling alright...

Your Instinct Can't Be Wrong...

So I've sold my soul to the devil and actually watched part of So You Think You Can Dance Australia on the idiot box a couple of times now. I'm not proud: on one occasion I was over a mate's place; tonight it's because Old Man River decided to change over to it (between you and me, I think he's going through that Mid-Life thing).

I've also watched more than one episode of Australian Idol, which under today's standards leaves me fully qualified as a social commentator. Somehow I doubt this would pass close scrutiny, but something about both shows has struck me.

Now I'm a sports fan first and foremost. Like former US Chief Justice Earl Warren, I always turn to the sports pages first: "the sports section records people's accomplishments; the front pages nothing but man's failures".

My sport of choice is cricket, a game that caters to pretty much everyone. You have the option of following the classical techniques (McGrath, Lillee, Hadlee, Warne et al) or the unconventional (Muralitharan, Mitchell Johnson, Malinga). And that's just the bowlers.

Thing is though, ask a knowledgable cricket fan who they'd really like to watch, and they'll probably tell you Johnson or Murali bowling to Afridi or McCullum. What do these four have in common? They're all instinctive players.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but what Dance and Idol seem to lack are instinctive performers.

Make no mistake: technically, these guys are brilliant. The control these guys/girls have over their bodies/voices is nothing short of amazing. To consistently do what they do takes years of training that allows them to do things the rest of us can only sit there and dream of doing.

But...

It's a potential thing. I'd rather watch Johnson and Afridi take risks on the off that it leads to something special; likewise, I'd like to see performers take a risk on the chance that its leads to something unforgettable. Better that than play it safe for something that you remember for whole minutes.

Unfortunately Dance and Idol's formats don't lend themselves to this kind of risk-taking: wouldn't it be compelling viewing if they did?