As promised earlier on in the piece, here are some more tips and tricks of the trade that I've picked up in my 20-odd years of existence. Enjoy.
Nice guys don't finish last.
They don't finish first either. Nope, nice guys will generally finish in the minor placings. This sounds all well and good, but ask Geelong Cats or North Sydney Bears fans what it's like to just miss out on the major prize...
Learn the words to some songs.
Every self-respecting Australian planning to travel should know the words to Khe Sanh, Down Under, and I Still Call Australia Home. This is not optional.
Optional songs you can learn include Working Class Man, (You Shook Me) All Night Long, Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again (or at least the chant) and Advance Australia Fair.
Note I haven't included Waltzing Matilda. You should know the words to this already. If you don't know the words to this, there are support groups available (I Don't Know The Words To Waltzing Matilda Anonymous (IDKTWTWMA) is a good start).
Reputations count.
To a point. In the Big Smoke, you can have any kind of a reputation, but can hide away in one of the many niches around the place until it's changed.
In country areas though, once you've got a reputation, you're stuck with it.
And remember, first impressions count - so if you've got a reputation as a bit of a Romeo or as the town bike - you're stuck with it for a very long period of time.
The only way to avoid this is to get the hell out of town, or maintain a quiet dignity. But they'll probably get you for that anyway.
I'm from Queensland.
But that doesn’t mean I support the Brisbane Broncos. In fact, I support pretty much every national sporting league team from Queensland - so long as they’re not the Broncos.
I don’t know why I dislike them so much - but gee it was good to see North Queensland beat them last year. Soooooooo gooooood...
This is all highly unoriginal, but a chap by the name of John Saffron beat us all to it when he wrote Not The Sunscreen Song.
But hey - who cares?
Monday, December 13, 2004
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Take the money and run...
ANOTHER year is coming to a screeching close - much to my disgust.
As someone with a December birthday it’s only natural that it happens to be my favourite month. How often do you get birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, cricket and warm (drinking) weather in the one month?
This year was a little different - I’ve now reached what is known as the Mid-Twenties. (Coincidentally the top temps here in Cooma are also just reaching the Mid-Twenties).
But as someone who’s now (allegedly) moved on from the wasteful behaviour of the Late Teens and Early Twenties, I feel it only right that I pass on these small chunks of information to the rest of you in the vain hope you might actually pay attention.
So here are my top tips (in no particular order) about life, the universe and everything.
Music is good.
Let’s face it, there’s nothing better than to kick back on a day off, chuck a favourite cd/album/mp3/tape on and just relax.
But wait - there’s more.
You can put it on in the car to stop you from going stir-crazy on long trips, you can dance to it, and you can put it on at work and listen to Fleetwood Mac and Crowded House instead of the staff bitching.
Alcohol impairs your judgement.
Really. Honest and truly. How else to explain why women would want to go out with me?
Jokes aside, who hasn’t woken up with the sinking feeling they’ve quite seriously f___ed up? Sometimes it’s immediately obvious - they’re in the bed with you wanting breakfast, sometimes it’s the pounding head and mutinous stomach, and sometimes it’s your boxer shorts on the roof.
This leads to a little game I like to call "What Did I Do Last Night?", or in some cases the always-funny "Who Did I Do Last Night?".
Of course most people will play these games at one stage, so when it’s your turn, remember to smile.
Microsoft is useful. To a point.
After that point, it’s just a pain in the arse.
In my own profession it’s vitally important to make sure spelling and grammar are correct. As such, the little green squiggly lines often come up to alert me of a potential problem.
The problem is when they alert me to something I didn’t want, like a missing "that", as opposed to some other more obvious problems, like no full stop at the end of a sentence.
Likewise trying to get the right answer when you use that annoying bloody paper clip for help. I think I’d rather take my chances asking Mr Ed.
Some men have "it".
The rest of us don’t.
Of course, if anyone can actually figure out what "it" is, could they please post a comment at the bottom of this page and let the rest of us poor souls in on the secret.
Karaoke takes balls.
It’s also very dangerous when the silly bugger running the machine decides to give you an easy seven or eight songs in a row, including at least one by AC/DC.
This will leave you with a rather dry throat and a croaky voice for the rest of the week (which is a good reason to only do it at the end of the week).
Drinking more alcohol won’t help - it makes your voice worse. On the upside though, more grog can lead to some very interesting performances, especially of Joe Cocker’s Leave Your Hat On.
There’s more than this - but I’ll add those at a later stage in the space/time continuum.
Please note I've finally figured out how to limit the number of posts on the front page. If you want to read previous posts, click on the "Previous Posts" section on the right of the screen. If you don't want to read previous posts, it doesn't matter now does it?
As someone with a December birthday it’s only natural that it happens to be my favourite month. How often do you get birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, cricket and warm (drinking) weather in the one month?
This year was a little different - I’ve now reached what is known as the Mid-Twenties. (Coincidentally the top temps here in Cooma are also just reaching the Mid-Twenties).
But as someone who’s now (allegedly) moved on from the wasteful behaviour of the Late Teens and Early Twenties, I feel it only right that I pass on these small chunks of information to the rest of you in the vain hope you might actually pay attention.
So here are my top tips (in no particular order) about life, the universe and everything.
Music is good.
Let’s face it, there’s nothing better than to kick back on a day off, chuck a favourite cd/album/mp3/tape on and just relax.
But wait - there’s more.
You can put it on in the car to stop you from going stir-crazy on long trips, you can dance to it, and you can put it on at work and listen to Fleetwood Mac and Crowded House instead of the staff bitching.
Alcohol impairs your judgement.
Really. Honest and truly. How else to explain why women would want to go out with me?
Jokes aside, who hasn’t woken up with the sinking feeling they’ve quite seriously f___ed up? Sometimes it’s immediately obvious - they’re in the bed with you wanting breakfast, sometimes it’s the pounding head and mutinous stomach, and sometimes it’s your boxer shorts on the roof.
This leads to a little game I like to call "What Did I Do Last Night?", or in some cases the always-funny "Who Did I Do Last Night?".
Of course most people will play these games at one stage, so when it’s your turn, remember to smile.
Microsoft is useful. To a point.
After that point, it’s just a pain in the arse.
In my own profession it’s vitally important to make sure spelling and grammar are correct. As such, the little green squiggly lines often come up to alert me of a potential problem.
The problem is when they alert me to something I didn’t want, like a missing "that", as opposed to some other more obvious problems, like no full stop at the end of a sentence.
Likewise trying to get the right answer when you use that annoying bloody paper clip for help. I think I’d rather take my chances asking Mr Ed.
Some men have "it".
The rest of us don’t.
Of course, if anyone can actually figure out what "it" is, could they please post a comment at the bottom of this page and let the rest of us poor souls in on the secret.
Karaoke takes balls.
It’s also very dangerous when the silly bugger running the machine decides to give you an easy seven or eight songs in a row, including at least one by AC/DC.
This will leave you with a rather dry throat and a croaky voice for the rest of the week (which is a good reason to only do it at the end of the week).
Drinking more alcohol won’t help - it makes your voice worse. On the upside though, more grog can lead to some very interesting performances, especially of Joe Cocker’s Leave Your Hat On.
There’s more than this - but I’ll add those at a later stage in the space/time continuum.
Please note I've finally figured out how to limit the number of posts on the front page. If you want to read previous posts, click on the "Previous Posts" section on the right of the screen. If you don't want to read previous posts, it doesn't matter now does it?
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